i will never be anything more than this..

Ok i have been thinking lately how much i hate feeling like a failure because people around me are putting me feel like i should be more than what i am.. not more of me.. but have more and be more successful. i will never be anything more than what i am. and if you people think i'm supposed to be what you think.. ahaha i laugh at you... you arrogant people. you are point up to an expectation when you yourself are having difficulties in life. who do you think you are? you are not the creator of anything. you aren't God and you have no authority that holds any weight when you think you have a right to tell your opinions.. why do you think your opinion matters so much. do you really think people are waiting to hear what you have to say cuz you have some awesome knowledge or something?.... think before you speak. cuz what you say will directly effect if i decide to listen to you or not at all. 

last few years were rough and now this......?

I've been having a very hard time collecting my thoughts of lately... which seems to have been years. The messy, selfish, degrading, life changing, life ruining, act of divorce has started to set in in my heart and mind. My parent have taken this road and have made my life a living Hell. No matter how much i try to move on with my life it just festers and rots in the deepest places of who i am. It is so wrong! I feel so worthless even though i am not. Its as if i woke up from a horrible dream but wake up to it every time i open my eyes. Why can't they see how it is effecting me? I'm so lost! What a terrible, fucking mess! I'm screaming with my mouth closed, can you hear my silence? The smallest issues seem an infant amount greater than they really are because of the world i've known all my life crashing down around me and although a great number of people around me are telling me not to blame myself, i fail to hear their voices above the yelling in my head that are all different.... some yelling "WARNING", others just whispering to keep going and all will work out eventually, so many are saying that i should just be giving it to God..... and the thing is that i understand that is the religious thing to do but it isn't practical at ALL. Some voices say that "you'll know what to do because it is common sense" but common sense is the most uncommon thing in the universe. No one has ever had to go through what i'm going through in this particular order of events and i am not saying no one knows what i'm going through. I am saying that advise is merrily someone's opinion. AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHO I SHOULD BE LISTENING TO! and lets stop saying that church is the answer because i've been to church and that was my safe place to go figure out who i am... but now my pitiful, ruins of a family are now taking that over and i am unable to think about anything clearly. Everything seems to be a foggy blur of events and people and lines from the bible that are no longer making much sense to me. I know i'm not "perfect".... but the thing is i was never in my right mind striving for "perfect". I always just wanted people to be along with me on this journey of life.. and expected that things wouldn't turn out with such a massacre of life, hope, joy, and the happiness i thought i had. I have got to let go of all of this because i'm dragging me down and out. These hands that have been such destruction for so many years need to be cut off and thrown to the lions. I am not in anyway in a good place right now. I am afraid my God will see who i really am. I am terrible company with zero apologize, my God where have i been? Who will i be? Where is my soul? Where is my hope? If i can't believe the people who raised me to be who i am now then who can i trust? I thought Scott was a bit ridiculous back when he said he trusts only a few people but now i find myself in that same predicament. How do i go on with my questions and doubts when i don't think anyone will ever see what i am really trying to say?

first blog

this is my first blog on here. i dont really know where to start but i do know that i hope you the reader come to know, and understand me at my rawest. i will blog about everything and hope that you will not look down on me but that you will see something inside me that may very well be a bit inside of you and wii will have something in common.